Irrational

Do you ever experience irrational dread? An all encompassing, ice pit in your gut, vice around your chest feeling that stops you from even daring to move because you're convinced that if you do you're going to trigger something awful, kind of irrational dread?

Because this is how I feel every time I use my laptop.

I know that sounds very ridiculous; it's just a wedge of plastic, glass and electronic bits (can you tell I'm very IT illiterate?) There's nothing about the object which should trigger any kind of emotional response other than a slight irritation when the Wifi is slow.

But the feeling isn't really about my laptop, its just what I've come to associate my laptop with.

I finally came to the end of my time in education in September 2020. Up until that point, all I had associated with my laptop (or computers in general) was school or uni work, watching Netflix and YouTube, or occasionally scrolling social media if my phone was dead. For most of my time using this machine of technological wonder, I have barely spared a thought for what it signifies to the modern world, the years of scientific advancement that can be attributed to the invention of the computer. 

It's always been something that was just there, utterly taken for granted.

This is something that I believe I have in common with many people my age and younger. We grew up with this technology, so we did not notice its progression because we were progressing at the same time. To stop and contemplate its integration into our daily lives would be akin to contemplating the teeth in our mouths or the blue of the sky. They are in our lives because they have always been in our lives.

So why now, when I catch so much as a glimpse of my laptop out of the corner of my eye, do I freeze in my tracks like prey scenting a predator in its environment?

Like I stated before, I recently came to the end of my time in education. In that time I have completed GCSE's, A levels, my Bachelors and Masters degrees (each with varying levels of success.) But having achieved these milestones, I no longer have school or uni work to complete. There are no more essays, no more research papers to spend hours clicking through, in fact, there is only one thing which I utilise my laptop for and this is what causes my irrational dread.

Job applications.  

Since finishing my Masters course, I have been applying for full time work every single day. I have applied for dream jobs, passing interest jobs, even jobs I have no interest in whatsoever just so that I can finally put my years of education to good use (and also to earn money, but that goes without saying in this capitalist nightmare world.)

In four months I have received countless rejection emails, taken three unsuccessful interviews and held one position on a seasonal, part time contract.

I am unemployed, and terrified of my laptop.

Because I am heartsick of hoping. Everyday I apply for jobs that I believe I am capable of doing, some I even believe I would be perfect at, and most days I stare at a 'thank you for applying but you're not worth our time,' copy and pasted rejection email that sinks a dull knife into my chest.

Now, I can hear the scoffs from the other side of the screen:

"Get into gaming then!"

"You must not be trying hard enough,"

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you could have it a lot worse,"

"You could still use your laptop to write for fun, idiot."

And those are all true statements (except for the gaming thing, I really don't have the money for a gaming laptop.) But its incredibly difficult to find the motivation to do something creative when I'm stuck in a monotony of days where everything is the same.

I will admit that I don't help myself. Instead of trying break my cycle of despair and push through to do something creative, I allow myself to feel the despondency and just sit and continue bingeing my way through Netflix content. Instead of doom scrolling my way through successful people's LinkedIn profiles I could always try to reach out and make connections, but I don't. I could even attempt to find some volunteer work to fill my time with but I'm so afraid of rejection now that I don't even dare to offer because I believe I will be turned away from charities too.

So why have I broken through the irrational dread to compose this (very depressing) spiel about laptops, dread and rejection? 

Why does anyone do anything? My best guess is that I have finally annoyed myself so much with my depressed internal monologue that shouting it into the void of the internet is working as a kind of therapy to get me back into producing something mildly creative.

Either that or I'm procrastinating applying for more jobs.

Whatever the reason that spurred me on to type up this distressing diatribe, I do want to end my ramblings with a little hope, because I truly am a sucker for a message of kindness. If my word vomit has resonated with you in anyway; as an anxiety kinship, someone else whose fed up with unsuccessful job applications, or just someone who enjoys reading strangers falling apart on the internet, then I hope that you don't feel alone. These really are strange times, I know its been said to death but that doesn't make it any less true. We really are struggling through a Global Pandemic (some countries more than others, *UK*), increased awareness about social and ethnic injustices, not to mention the most insipid President of America ever inflicted upon the world.

It's kind of ok to be experiencing irrational dread right now. Its an escape from justified dread.

I still have hope that a job is going to accept me, I even still have hope that it will be a job I enjoy which is relevant to my degrees. But for now, whilst I have the time on my hands, I think I'm going to try to get over my irrational dread, or at least attempt to use it as ammunition for some kind of creative masterpiece.

Art is pain right?